As your mayor, there’s nothing I’d like to do more today than to wish you a Merry Christmas like the town’s page-a-day calendar says and celebrate with friends and family. However, I already did that yesterday, and the fact that Christmas is supposedly happening two days in a row is something…
when my dad was in college he had a friend who told a girl he’d take her on a date unlike any other she’d ever been on and so he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank
they’re married now
a woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
one of them goes to a family in egypt and is named amal the other goes to a family in spain they name him juan
years later juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. upon receiving the picture she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of amal
he responds “theyre twins if youve seen juan youve seen amal”
I DONT GET IT????
Hi friends this is a little reminder to charge your phone, take your meds, drink enough water, get enough sleep, and listen to lots of music!! Your well-being and happiness is of utmost importance and I hope you take time to take care of yourself.
your sheep looks concerned
The best part is he still hadn’t taken down all the post-its.
Stop saying that “sex is a basic human need”.
"Give it to me straight doc, is he gonna be okay?"
"No ma’am I’m sorry but we were too late…your son just couldn’t get some. There was nothing we could do."
*mother crumbles to the floor, curses the friendzone to the heavens. Doc lowers fedora over corpse’s eyes respectfully*
i write sins not shopping receiptsOh,
As I’m pacing the aisles in a small corner store,
And I can’t help but to hear,
No, I can’t help but to hear an exchanging of words:
“What a beautiful melon! What a beautiful melon!” says a patron to a stocker.
“And yes, but what a shame, what a shame we’re not getting in any more.”
I CHIME WITH HAVEN’T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF
STOCKING THE GODDAMN STORE, NO
All the boys who the dancefloor didn’t love
And all the girls whose lips couldn’t move fast enough
Sing until your lungs give out
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Fact submitted by: merlinanddylanobrien